inkahero:
1. In co-dependency, my good feelings stem
from you liking me;
In Recovery my good feelings stem from
me liking me.
2. In co-dependency, my good feelings stem
from your approval;
In Recovery, it’s self-approval that
determines my good feelings.
3. In co-dependency, your struggle affects my
serenity;
In Recovery, your struggle matters because
I care about you, but it does not control
how I feel about myself.
4. In co-dependency, my self-esteem is
bolstered by solving your problems,
relieving your pain;
In Recovery, my self-esteem comes
from solving my problems, sometimes
experiencing my pain.
5. In co-dependency, my mental attention is
focused on pleasing you;
In Recovery, I’m free to please me even
when it may not please you.
6. In co-dependency, my mental attention is
focused on protecting you;
In Recovery, I protect me, even if
sometimes you must protect yourself
without my help.
7. In co-dependency, I may disguise my
feelings, manipulating you to do it my way.
In Recovery, I tell the truth about my
feelings, regardless of the consequence
8. In co-dependency, my hobbies and interests
are put aside; your hobbies and interests
dominate;
In Recovery, I pursue my hobbies and
interests, even if that means spending time
away from you.
9. In co-dependency, your clothing, behaviour
and appearance are dictated by me, as you
are a reflection of me;
In Recovery, you dress, behave and appear
as you wish, regardless of how it makes me
feel.
10. In co-dependency, I am not aware of what I
want; I ask and am aware of what you want;
In Recovery, I am not only conscious of my
own wants; I verbalise and take action to
achieve them.
11. In co-dependency, my dreams I have for my
future are all linked to you;
In Recovery, my dreams are my own even
if they do include you.
12. In co-dependency, my fear of your rejection
determines what I say or do;
In Recovery, my commitment to strength,
hope and recovery determines what I say or
do.
13. In co-dependency, I’m afraid of your anger,
it determines what I say or do;
In Recovery, I have no control over your
anger and it has no control over me.
14. In co-dependency, I use giving as a way of
feeling safe in our relationship;
In Recovery, I can still give because
pleasing you pleases me, but I want
to receive as well. And that two-way
connection has nothing to do with safety or
fear.
15. In co-dependency, my social circle
diminishes as I involve myself with you;
In Recovery, I hope that you’ll like my
friends, but if you don’t, I’ll understand.
16. In co-dependency, I put my values aside to
connect with you;
In Recovery, my values are mine, as the
core of my being they are sacrosanct.
17. In co-dependency, I value your opinion and
way of doing things more than my own.
In Recovery, I value your opinion and
procedures, but not at the expense of mine.
18. In co-dependency, the quality of my life is
in relation to the quality of yours;
In Recovery, the quality of our lives is
separate, with clear boundaries separating
the two.
19. In co-dependency, I tell everything right
away, seek intimacy at the first meeting,
and fall in love before I have any real
information about who you are and what
you can contribute to my life;
In Recovery, I allow time and friendship
to intercede; I am not overwhelmed by you
and can discern inappropriate behaviour.
20. In co-dependency, when something needs
to be done and no one is willing to do
it, I automatically assume responsibility
saying, “someone has to do it”.
In Recovery, I operate from a position
of choice, letting go, trusting to a Higher
Power when circumstances dictate my
saying “no” to someone else’s needs.
Bolding mine.
I have my own issues with 12 Step mantras based off of AA¹, but I’ve considered ever more recently to at least try out going to a Codependents Anonymous, Al-Anon, or ACoA meeting in the area. I have become so triggered at the sight and mention of alcohol (which is, y’know, a problem, to say the least), and there seems to be no one else in this world with that issue. Maybe folks with at least a remotely similar upbringing as mine will be able to empathize better. In any case, I think that I need a supportive group of people that will hopefully foster healing and growth.
I had probably the first meaningful conversation with my father in years (or maybe ever) today about my ex-partner’s alcoholism + millions of other problems that I threw myself away to “fix” for seven-some years. It was interesting to talk to someone (ie. my father) who is so conscious of the fact that his behavior ravaged my life and our family during my formative years; he has been sober for ten years, but my history with alcoholics has made me vow that I would never put myself into another situation where I’m emotionally invested in someone who suffers from addiction — recovering or not — because codependency is such an awful, insidious disorder. Maybe a lot of this has to do with my baggage with my ex-partner: lies, lies, and more lies, but there’s no way that I could ever forge a healthy relationship with someone who is compulsively self-destructive. I would never believe that their recovery was actually happening; I’d always assume that they were lying and leading secret shitty lives behind my back, and I’d probably be right, because that’s the way that things seem to go in that sort of codependent, addictive dynamic (says my experience, at least). And I’m equally responsible for cultivating that, because the more I push, the more they resist! Socially-ingrained defiance and all that. That’s just the way it goes. Shit’s fucked with me, shit’s fucked with addiction.
Also, it is so hard to talk to people about codependency, because no one fucking knows what that word means. Definition: fucking shit’s fucking fucked.
_____________
¹ mostly the Higher Power stuff; how novel of me. I usually just swap out that talk for a resigned “life happens, people make their own choices,” although I suppose that is sort of redundant in relation to other steps, the serenity prayer and whatnot. Also, it’s been conjectured that 12-Step thinking, rock-bottom and compassionate detachment and that brand of autonomy, is antagonistic to values of harm reduction, although I’m not sure how much I agree with that. I’m still torn about my views on this stuff. I think that enabling is a real, serious problem, because we live in a society, not a vacuum; many people’s behavior feeds off others’ reactions, especially when you’ve been socialized to react, not act (one of those codependent tendencies I read so much about). A lot of what I’ve read recently contradicts the anarchy ideals that I held onto tenaciously for a while, mainly about support. Right now I am just feeling so unsympathetic about people’s problems because I know I can’t fix them. I don’t know how to navigate a healthy mindset of loving and supporting but not enabling, and letting people figure out shit for themselves, and not being a manipulative prick by trying to “teach” or “fix” people. I guess that I should re-read the original post, huh?
Wow. I didn’t realize how codependent I have been in the past with certain people. I need to keep these things in mind.
